ysobelle | Men Talking About Rape

A friend of mine just wrote me, understandably frustrated at at being told that, as a man, he has no place in any debates about rape, and he didn't know how to address the issue. Leaving aside my bewilderment at being told several times over the last few days, "This article/meme/issue about rape made me think of you," this is how I replied.

I think the problem arises from two things. First and foremost, statistically speaking, most men will never be raped. The second more subtly important thing is that most men never even think about being raped. They have no idea what it's like to simply be raised to fear it. It's something women absorb along with how to walk and what long division is. Or was. We're taught almost subliminally to fear: don't dress that way, don't walk there alone, don't talk to strange men, don't leave your drink unattended, don't take that risk, don't try that challenge. It's just part of what we absorb, growing up, and it's horrifically insidious.

So when most women hear a man speaking-- or all too often pontificating-- on the topic of rape, it engenders a certain amount of anything from scorn up to incandescent rage: the likelihood of that man ever having been raped is incredibly small, and, more importantly, even if he has been raped, he never had to live a life shaped by the expectation and fear of it. His trauma is absolutely no less, nor does he deserve any less help and sympathy and support. But far too many men talk about rape from an area of profound ignorance, then angrily reject the very idea that they're ignorant.

So how do men talk about rape? By understanding all of that first. By coming at the topic with the understanding that they're dealing with something they probably can't grasp fully, and a mindset and life experience they've possibly never even considered. Because I don't think most men realise women are raised to live every second with that back-of-the-mind fear that someone could violate them and take their sovereignty from them. It is-- it SHOULD be-- utterly incomprehensible to any thinking human. But it's not. I couldn't even tell you when I learned it.

And let's not forget the fact that also statistically speaking, most rapists are men. Men are the enemy we're taught to fear, and all too often, we're right. Not only that, but we live in a society that gives a nod and a wink to male rapists-- remember the Tosh uproar a few weeks ago? A man makes a poor excuse for a joke about rape, a woman calls him on it, and he retaliates by asking a room full of men, "Wouldn't it be funny if four or five guys raped that woman right now?" And people laughed. I had someone I respected-- a man-- say that sure, it was dumb, but women need to just lighten up about it. I will never look at that person the same way again. There are no consequences for a man who makes a rape joke, or laughs at one, and all too often, I think men believe there ARE no consequences. A man laughs it off; a woman tries to remember if she parked close to a streetlight or not.

Men are offended that they're lumped in with rapists-- that they're considered guilty by association, and I don't know how to answer that. All I can say is I've lived all my decades being told how to protect myself from men who may rape, but it's only the last, oh, maybe eighteen months that I've ever seen media telling men just not to rape. While I think that's spiffy, really, I don't think a man who thinks he has the right to do what he wants with a woman's body whether she says yes or not is going to be stopped by a poster or a Facebook meme. Men who think that's okay are profoundly warped inside, but the world at large doesn't seem to have much to say about it. In fact, as a rather famous study has made abundantly clear, if you don't actually use the word "rape," men will admit they've raped a woman. (http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/meet-the-predators/) And most of those men knew those women. Rape at gunpoint is a fraction of reported rapes. The rest are what we amusingly call "date rape," or "acquaintance rape," or, nauseatingly, "coercion." And then starts the round of victim-blaming, which can be so overwhelming ("Well, did you say no? What were you wearing? Did you push him away?") that all too often, women will doubt themselves, internalise their confusion and pain, and live a life deeply scarred by trauma they themselves can't wholly believe. Intimacy and trust are destroyed by incidents society tells them was "no big deal." If it allows anything really happened in the first place.

I know it's got to be maddening and overwhelmingly frustrating for men to be told they don't understand or have no right to speak about rape. But it's just not as simple as being told their opinions don't matter and their input isn't important-- ironically, something that women are told all the time, and one of the heartbreaking reasons so many women will never report their own rapes and assaults. It's never a simple subject, and women have millennia of being told to shut up and stop being hysterical drama queens fueling a rising rage that the media seems surprised now to find even exists. It's always been an explosive topic, and I think now, especially given the current political horrors and state-sponsored misogyny women never thought they'd see in their lifetimes, it's become almost too volatile to touch.

I don't think men should stay out of the conversation. Far from it. If a change is going to come and rape statistics are going to fall, it has to come from men as well as women. We have to be more proactive about teaching kids respect for women-- for everyone-- goes beyond lip service. We have to understand that, like the President said last week, rape is rape. Touching someone without their permission is zero-tolerance-wrong and no amount of excuses or victim-blaming will make it right. The more men come out and say-- without exception-- that they understand that, the better everyone is. The more men openly admit that they don't understand what it's like to be a woman, that smart and compassionate as they may be, they don't know everything, but they're willing to listen and try to understand, the better everyone is. The more every person on this planet talks about and works towards equality and comprehension, the better everyone is.

I'm not sure if this answers your questions, or just creates more. But thank you for asking me. In the last couple of days, I've been told anything rape-related makes people think of me, and I don't know how to take that. It's not exactly a badge I ever thought I'd wear. But if I can help at all, I'm glad to.

Nikki