I'm a mess.
Mar. 16th, 2011 06:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelleMy G-d, I'm a fucking mess.
Part of it, I know, is that I'm sick. Still. Again. Please don't tell me to see a doctor. I'm a self-employed artist in America. Besides which, I'm on the mend, just slowly. But being sick makes me tired, and short-tempered. Which makes me sick.
Part of it is that I'm trying so hard to break out of these endless vicious circles, and I just haven't managed to yet-- though I swear I'm working hard on it. Circumstances have surrounded me with people who, though they don't mean to, hurt me over and over. We're in positions where deception and things unsaid abound-- and I'm on the bottom of all of it. I can't trust anything anyone says to me, because I know too much about what's probably behind the door, and what no one will say. I can't exercise the nuclear option. I'm too trapped. There are days-- far too many days-- when I just want to get everyone out of my life and start over. Get away from me, get the fuck away from me, with your agendas and your blinders your shiny carelessness and your my-life's-great-why-isn't-yours?
It's almost as if everything were crafted to isolate me. I feel like I'm being honed, like everything's being stripped away, piece by piece, just so some cosmic plan can take effect: I am alone, I am strong, I can do this all by myself.
Except I can't.
It's 6am, I've been sick for, what, two weeks now? And I didn't sleep for weeks before that? This is inevitable, and I'll feel fine later. I know that. But right now, alone again, this is where I am. I fell apart Saturday night. In the middle of all my friends and acquaintances, I ran away and fell apart. Not once, but several times. I wasn't the only one. But I had to pull it all together and do my job and take care of business, and come home. I had to be the big girl, and carry on, because I'm the only one who can. Am I sorry about that? No. This is the life I've made for myself, and I do what I can with the pieces I have. I know I'll find the joy in it again once I stop being sick, once I can finally, somehow, find some emotional distance from this never-ending train wreck. I have to find me again-- I've been through so much the last year: reshuffling who I am emotionally and sexually and intellectually and artistically and familally. Here I am: starting over. Here I am: just me.
The nights are the worst. I'm alone with my anger and the empty. I feel ungrateful, and I'm sorry for that. I know people try to help. There's just no way out of this right now. There's no quick fix, and no magic answer. This is just the darkest hour, and where I am now. I am graceless and surly and in pain. I'll be better in the light.
I'll be better in the light.
Part of it, I know, is that I'm sick. Still. Again. Please don't tell me to see a doctor. I'm a self-employed artist in America. Besides which, I'm on the mend, just slowly. But being sick makes me tired, and short-tempered. Which makes me sick.
Part of it is that I'm trying so hard to break out of these endless vicious circles, and I just haven't managed to yet-- though I swear I'm working hard on it. Circumstances have surrounded me with people who, though they don't mean to, hurt me over and over. We're in positions where deception and things unsaid abound-- and I'm on the bottom of all of it. I can't trust anything anyone says to me, because I know too much about what's probably behind the door, and what no one will say. I can't exercise the nuclear option. I'm too trapped. There are days-- far too many days-- when I just want to get everyone out of my life and start over. Get away from me, get the fuck away from me, with your agendas and your blinders your shiny carelessness and your my-life's-great-why-isn't-yours?
It's almost as if everything were crafted to isolate me. I feel like I'm being honed, like everything's being stripped away, piece by piece, just so some cosmic plan can take effect: I am alone, I am strong, I can do this all by myself.
Except I can't.
It's 6am, I've been sick for, what, two weeks now? And I didn't sleep for weeks before that? This is inevitable, and I'll feel fine later. I know that. But right now, alone again, this is where I am. I fell apart Saturday night. In the middle of all my friends and acquaintances, I ran away and fell apart. Not once, but several times. I wasn't the only one. But I had to pull it all together and do my job and take care of business, and come home. I had to be the big girl, and carry on, because I'm the only one who can. Am I sorry about that? No. This is the life I've made for myself, and I do what I can with the pieces I have. I know I'll find the joy in it again once I stop being sick, once I can finally, somehow, find some emotional distance from this never-ending train wreck. I have to find me again-- I've been through so much the last year: reshuffling who I am emotionally and sexually and intellectually and artistically and familally. Here I am: starting over. Here I am: just me.
The nights are the worst. I'm alone with my anger and the empty. I feel ungrateful, and I'm sorry for that. I know people try to help. There's just no way out of this right now. There's no quick fix, and no magic answer. This is just the darkest hour, and where I am now. I am graceless and surly and in pain. I'll be better in the light.
I'll be better in the light.
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no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 12:56 pm (UTC)Seriously. If you want to up & run, even for a weekend, my kitties & I will welcome you.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 12:58 pm (UTC)I know we only know each other from the Wenches forum (which I rarely go on anymore :/ ), but if you ever need to get away for a mini-break, you're welcome at Casa Miller in Atlanta.
In the meantime, angels sent to surround you with peace, love and comfort.
J.A.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 02:13 pm (UTC)It's OK to fall down, as long as you keep getting back up. Some days it's harder to get back up than others, but you still have to try.
Drink lots of fluids to flush the crud out of your system. Juice, water - not coffee or tea, they only dehydrate you more. If your throat is still sore, gargle with either salt water (make sure the salt has iodine in it) or an antiseptic mouth wash.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 03:31 pm (UTC)And freyas_fire gives excellent advice!
no subject
Date: 2011-03-18 05:27 am (UTC)Not sure what else to do or say so I offer this simple gesture of friendship.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2011-03-18 05:39 am (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2011-03-22 05:48 am (UTC)I know I'm late to the party, but...
You're an amazing, strong woman. It will get better. And in the meantime, *hugs*
Re: Wow...
Date: 2011-03-29 03:07 am (UTC)