Well, I've been better.
Apr. 27th, 2010 02:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelleThere's so much in my head that I just can't sleep. This is bad. Especially since I have to be up at 7.30 to go into the store for a few hours, and it's 2am now.
Bev's still in the hospital and while she'll eventually make it out, thank G-d, some truly hard days are ahead for her and her family. David's brilliant father died Friday, the day I told my own father that perhaps he should call to say hello; I was too late, and didn't even know it. I'm having the same trouble at faire I've been having for several years now, and I finally have to actually do something about it. And since that last is the only thing I can actually control, I am, of course, fired to a white-hot rage over it that may be slightly out of proportion. Thankfully, I have the brains and the means to let someone else handle a large part of it.
On the whole, I acknowledge that life is brilliant for me right now. I know that. And I am down-to-the-ground grateful for it. But I've never been any good at the Desiderata or the serenity prayer. Things undone or unfixed make me crazy-- if I chip a nail, I worry and tear at it until it's down to the ragged cuticle. A seam I can't get quite right will press into me like a tiny thorn until I rip the whole line out. And things I can't do anything at all about make me completely, utterly crazy.
A large part of this is, of course, the ultimate can't-change: death. I'm having some serious brushings with the Black Angel around my head, and it's making me just a little bit mad, in both senses of the word. I can't do anything to fix these crises for my friends, and my insane frustration would only selfishly add to their problems-- a self-indulgence I would find loathsome. So I mostly try to deal with it internally, which is...well, fairly isolating. It's a rotten little circle, isn't it?
I'm trying, I swear. I'm trying to remind myself constantly that none of this is about me, while still acknowledging that I'm human, and-- surprise!-- I have issues, and I need to not give myself too much flak for it. But I'm not in a gentle mood, and my head's not in a good place.
And I can't sleep.
Bev's still in the hospital and while she'll eventually make it out, thank G-d, some truly hard days are ahead for her and her family. David's brilliant father died Friday, the day I told my own father that perhaps he should call to say hello; I was too late, and didn't even know it. I'm having the same trouble at faire I've been having for several years now, and I finally have to actually do something about it. And since that last is the only thing I can actually control, I am, of course, fired to a white-hot rage over it that may be slightly out of proportion. Thankfully, I have the brains and the means to let someone else handle a large part of it.
On the whole, I acknowledge that life is brilliant for me right now. I know that. And I am down-to-the-ground grateful for it. But I've never been any good at the Desiderata or the serenity prayer. Things undone or unfixed make me crazy-- if I chip a nail, I worry and tear at it until it's down to the ragged cuticle. A seam I can't get quite right will press into me like a tiny thorn until I rip the whole line out. And things I can't do anything at all about make me completely, utterly crazy.
A large part of this is, of course, the ultimate can't-change: death. I'm having some serious brushings with the Black Angel around my head, and it's making me just a little bit mad, in both senses of the word. I can't do anything to fix these crises for my friends, and my insane frustration would only selfishly add to their problems-- a self-indulgence I would find loathsome. So I mostly try to deal with it internally, which is...well, fairly isolating. It's a rotten little circle, isn't it?
I'm trying, I swear. I'm trying to remind myself constantly that none of this is about me, while still acknowledging that I'm human, and-- surprise!-- I have issues, and I need to not give myself too much flak for it. But I'm not in a gentle mood, and my head's not in a good place.
And I can't sleep.
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Date: 2010-04-27 11:00 am (UTC)You're right though, there is so much we can't change about life... the only thing we can hope to change is how we react to it.
You're a beautiful person, you've been dealt a hell of a hand recently, but I know that you're going to make it through.
::hugs:: If there is anything at all I can do to help, seriously, drop me a PM.
Thinkin' of you,
~Cendre
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Date: 2010-04-27 01:44 pm (UTC)I'm here if you need to chat.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-27 06:48 pm (UTC)As for the "faire thing" that's up... is there something that a generally local faire-loving pair of creatives might be able to assist you with?
Sleep....
Date: 2010-05-01 05:26 pm (UTC)Seems you have diagnosed the conundrum well. I think you are right not to act on rage, usually doesn't work, until it does (in times of absolute necessity, but those are not most times).
Perfectionism seems to be much of the predicament. So, what is the cure for perfectionism? Perhaps time to take a break from swimming upstream, and go with the flow, while refreshing your energies....
Sincerely, Laurence Hunt