Gah.

[ysobelle]

Am I ever going to be that creative? Am I ever going to be that free? Am I ever going to be that happy?

I don't want to set the bar that high for myself. High, but not unattainable. I feel like I'm not quite a part of either world, the artists or the non-. It's been a theme the last few weeks, this not-quite-fitting-in. I didn't fit in in grade school. I didn't fit in in college. I didn't fit in on circuit, though no one really did in those two last, which is what made us fit in. But I was always caught between the mainstream and the bohemian. I'm still there. I don't say this like it's a bad thing, I suppose, but I do always feel like I'm only halfway in anywhere. Like I'm a shadow. Like I'm a pretender.

In a way, though, it's a gift, to be able to look at anything from the outside, yet still walk around on the inside. As far as gifts go, it's not as useful as a crockpot. Or even a pair of mittens. But still, I should learn to embrace it.

Comments

no one does

[foxglove-8778.livejournal.com]

the ones that make you think they fit are just really good at faking it... heh.... anyway, no one does, not really. Not on a large scale. And I, for one, am thankful for that. Who really wants to live as a "type" rather than an individual?

[peacockharpy.livejournal.com]

You are interstitial.

(Aren't we all pretenders, anyway? On some level? But I think you have to be. In some ways, to learn a skill, or a role, or a world, you have to pretend your way into it.)

[morriganswitch.livejournal.com]

You are amazing babe, and anyone that doesn't see that, should be smacked. With a brick.

[titaniumjunky.livejournal.com]

but really, what is fitting in? how could one "fit in" and still be that bohemian artist? at least that's what i keep telling myself whilst i keep my 9-5 suburbanite cover well intact ;) I'm so impressed that you somehow manage to do both! I'm still searching for the happy medium that allows me to survive and create. i wonder if it exists? everyone i know from school who shows their work in galleries don't hold jobs that pay anything or offer basics like health care or paid leave. their jealous of my benefits and I'm jealous if the time they have to produce work. on which side does freedom and happiness rest? the worst part is my parents were artists and bohemians and my grandparents were artists and bohemians and that's the life i grew up in, a never ending carnival of sensory delights. I'm the one out of all of them who has a claim on that life. and it kills me that even though i'm stable and safe and comfortable i ask the same questions you did. "Am I ever going to be that creative? Am I ever going to be that free? Am I ever going to be that happy?" i concur... Gah.

haha it's 12:30 in the morning and i think about this alot...