Tired.

[ysobelle]

I didn't get enough sleep last night. By a long shot. Had to get up at a semi-reasonable hour, forgot I had to get gas and then hit the curb driving into the gas station, and then wound up being late for work by half an hour. One of my least favourite people was working there-- half the time she talks to me she feels it necessary to roll her eyes and look at me like I'm crazy. She's very...normal, and absolutely doesn't understand what I do.

Which if course brings me to my family. Neither do they understand. We haven't spoken in over a month, now, and I found myself in RiteAid this evening trying to pick a birthday card for my mother, whose birthday is tomorrow. My mother, at whom I'm still so terribly angry. My mother, who invalidated the last three, four, ten years of my life by finally just coming right out and saying the career I'm fighting so hard for is just a hobby, and it's time to give it up and get a real job.

What kind of a birthday card says that? Maybe one with music? Something with glitter? How about a cute bunny that says, "Thanks for trying your best to ruin my life. It's not working, but happy birthday, anyhow." I must've been in there for half an hour, wandering back and forth. Nothing too patently insincere with flowers and birds, nothing snarky and mean about age. I wanted to give up-- guilt, anger, frustration-- what a great way to choose a birthday card. But I finally picked something innocuous, bought it, got into my car, and dropped it through the mail slot at my parents'.

I'm still angry. I'm still terribly, terribly hurt. The last few months, I feel I've been forced to strip away people in my life I thought I could trust, but who just haven't been there for me in a crunch. In the end, the only one who's always going to be there for me is...me.

Oh, well.

Comments

[murcury.livejournal.com]

I remember shopping in a toy store with someone who was just as diminishing, and started putting words in Eeyore's mouth. If they had a programmable one, you could put the above words in his mouth. Hard to put through a slot though...

[surlywench.livejournal.com]

we should turn "dysfunctional cards" into our sideline. stuff like "i'm sorry i've invalidated your entire life." and "get off the cross, you look ridiculous." along with traditional favorites like "i'm sorry i gave you v.d....again" and "i'm sorry i tried to sell our children into indentured servitude on ebay"

[caitriona27.livejournal.com]

Build a Bear has a recorder that you can program in your own message..Just sayin'..

I'm sorry, I'm proud of you and what you've accomplished.

[hennabee.livejournal.com]

Growth hurts like a bitch. And you'll probably keep loosing people before you even begin to gain them back. But the ones that stick around and the ones that show up later will be a lot more in tune with where you're headed. Unhealthy leaves and branches drop off the tree all the time. It is, of course, not so simple with emotions involved.
What's good about this is that you've already found the biggest point anybody could make. You have yourself. Most people don't. :) And before I begin to sound like a Hallmark card, it's also important to throw out that it's a great ally to have and that you've got the high ground in anything going forward.

And as a nod to the world, I don't believe most people are taught how to understand something that isn't directly related to their world or how they perceive it. That's why the open-minded are so beautiful to find. It makes for much less stress to accept that it is likely people won't grok, and a really good surprise when you find someone who does.
(Forgive the intrusion. I've been where you're peering. :) )

[eponas-pen.livejournal.com]

I, however, am SO proud of you. I'm sure your mother thinks she's telling you what's best for you but, sadly, she's not asking you what YOU feel is best for you. I know that my friend Nikki would absolutely wilt like an orchid in a darkroom if she weren't able to draw and sew and otherwise vomit artistic self expression!

If it helps to know you're not alone, my parents have no idea what I'm doing in Arizona living in an RV with another woman and a menagerie of various pets. But, I love it :)

I, also, have a hard time with Mom's birthday & Mother's Day cards. Father's Day, no problem, but Mom... There was no "you were always there for me to talk to..." or "thank you for all your unconditional support...", etc. My stomach actually turns when I read those words and think of my mother. I always go for the cards with the little birds or pets with goofy expressions. Sorry, Mom, but that's what I've gotten out of it.

Anyway, I feel ya.