Breathe Deep.

[ysobelle]

My windows are all open to the night air. I'm wide awake, even though I have an actual schedule to adhere to tomorrow and have been battling feelings of uselessness for longer now than I can recount. I catch glimpses now of my subconscious, coyly peeking out at me and sticking out its tongue. It still tells me I can't do this, and that I'll fail. And it's not always speaking in my mother's voice.

My relationship with my parents has changed after the huge fight last month. It's still a frightening place to be, but it's also like being fired from a job: I don't know what I'm doing next, but I have to determine it for myself. I've had more orders come in, and that's good. But it's not enough. It's never enough.

There are still old injuries acting up, making me melancholy around the edges. I'm not lost in some deep, silent funk, but it's made life difficult lately. Life feels weighty and grave, and I don't know how to shake that. I can't shake it. It's a new sort of reality, I guess-- everything's related. Am I growing up? Am I just getting bitter? Am I just growing into a greater sense of reality? Am I going down or up? My only metaphor tonight is being blindfolded in a strange room. Only I'm not sure if I'm blind or if the room's just dark.

Comments

[caitriona27.livejournal.com]

*hug* What'cha doing Saturday?

[ysobelle.livejournal.com]

Come on over and hang with us!

[eponas-pen.livejournal.com]

I just want you to know that you're my inspiration to joining a gym in town. I can't afford private sessions, but I'm hoping that since I have to practically trip over the gym to get home, I'll continue to use it regularly. So far, so good. My therapist said I'm the first person who has ever dumped her for a gym - hey, she was the one who went on and on about how exercise is the best cure for depression. Anyway, just thought you'd like that. And whether or not you're blindfolded, or just in a dark room; you're blindfolded or in a dark room with someone who is 2300 miles away who loves you. Not everyone can say that :)

PS - I don't really know how to use a semi-colon. It just seemed appropriate up there...

[ysobelle.livejournal.com]

I adore you. I absolutely love, worship, and adore you.