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ysobelleDEAR ABBY: My nephew recently married a widow with two teenage sons. His wife insists that he should have "a child of his own" -- but through adoption. She does not intend to have any more children.
My sister has now informed all the members of our family that the adoption fee is $25,000 and that we will be expected to make a donation! I have never seen this matter addressed in your column. Please tell us what to do, and fast. Our family awaits your opinion. -- MUDDLED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR MUDDLED: You have never seen the matter addressed in my column because the premise is so original and outlandish that no one has sent it to me before. It is my opinion that if your nephew and his wife cannot come up with the money to finance the adoption, they should postpone it until they can. (Just what would your sister consider everyone's "fair share" of this project to be? And if you did buy into this joint venture, does that mean you would have a say in how the child is raised?)
There are too many questions that come to mind, and not enough answers. Tell your sister, "Nice try, though!"
No, I didn't write this, but I could have. I walked away from a twenty-year friendship a couple of years ago because of solicitations from my friend not once but several times. She and her husband needed money to fly to China to adopt a child: they were holding a big benefit, and could I contribute? Could I donate something from the store where I worked for a raffle? She even solicited my folks. And when, surprise!, the event didn't make as much as they needed, she wrote again asking if we could help.
I wonder if they got the kid?
My sister has now informed all the members of our family that the adoption fee is $25,000 and that we will be expected to make a donation! I have never seen this matter addressed in your column. Please tell us what to do, and fast. Our family awaits your opinion. -- MUDDLED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR MUDDLED: You have never seen the matter addressed in my column because the premise is so original and outlandish that no one has sent it to me before. It is my opinion that if your nephew and his wife cannot come up with the money to finance the adoption, they should postpone it until they can. (Just what would your sister consider everyone's "fair share" of this project to be? And if you did buy into this joint venture, does that mean you would have a say in how the child is raised?)
There are too many questions that come to mind, and not enough answers. Tell your sister, "Nice try, though!"
No, I didn't write this, but I could have. I walked away from a twenty-year friendship a couple of years ago because of solicitations from my friend not once but several times. She and her husband needed money to fly to China to adopt a child: they were holding a big benefit, and could I contribute? Could I donate something from the store where I worked for a raffle? She even solicited my folks. And when, surprise!, the event didn't make as much as they needed, she wrote again asking if we could help.
I wonder if they got the kid?
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-04 05:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-04 07:05 am (UTC)And on the flip side, before we got pregnant and people were pushing us to adopt... and just had no clue why we couldn't... because of the costs. I ended up getting snarky with a few pushy people and asked if they were funding the endeavor because we just did not have a spare $25-40k laying around.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-04 09:02 pm (UTC)1.) If I gave a damn about any part of their existance
2.) If they had a habit of asking me for favors over and over again.
3.) If they had not volunteered to help me in the past on other issues, mostly minor.
4.) If a specific request for help from me to them at some point in the past had been rejected after attempting to call in aforementioned favor.
If they met one out of four of those criteria...I would present them with a quarter and bid them go their merry way so it could not be said I do not aid those who ask it of me.
But don't even dream of imposing on my family or my friends for that sort of thing...you will be summarily ignored and removed from my life. And I have done this before.
...
Hmm...apparently this was also a button for me, Ys...
no subject
Date: 2006-02-05 01:54 am (UTC)That aside though, I cannot fathom how anyone could be so bold as to ask people to donate for them to adopt a child. My first thought is "If they can't afford to adopt, how are they gonna afford to raise the child?" I mean, sure, I can see asking Mom and Dad, but that's about the extent of it.
It would be different if children in orphanages were given the same chances as animals at a shelter: you know, if you don't get adopted after a period of time you take the Big Sleep. When it's a matter of life and death, sure, I'll gladly chip in what I can...but it should never be expected.
I think maybe that's what urks me most about this story (and perhaps it's the same thing you were thinking when you ended the friendship) is that generosity should never be expected among friends and family. Yes, friends and family should help each other out, but it should never be expected. Am I making sense there?
people never cease to amaze me.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-06 06:30 pm (UTC)I'm not against folks selling stuff, like on eBay, to get money. I have thought about selling my LOTR collection & other stuff to help with the expenses of adopting, if we do decide to go that route.