Thoughtful.
Oct. 25th, 2005 11:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelleThere's a lot going on in my head this morning. It started last night, I think, when I was trying to remember what I'd named my bow when I brought her home from Atlanta two summers ago, a gift from my dear friend Todd. There was a perfect name in my head then, and I can't remember what it was. So I thought, perhaps, that I'd written it in my LiveJournal, and if I searched my archives, I might find it.
Thumbing through old journal entries is quite a trip. There's usually a lot of "What was I thinking?", and a healthy dose of, "Oo, I'd forgotten that!" Which can be good an bad, I suppose. There was also a link to my ex-boyfriend's LiveJournal, something I've studiously avoided for almost exactly a year. I looked at it for a minute, and I thought, half-subconsciously, well, I'm at work, and I won't be bringing those vibes into my home. So I clicked it.
Now, I have to say that when I was with him, he vigorously denied any anti-Semitic leanings. "I'm with you," he would say. "How can you think that? Of course not!" And I ascribed the jackboots to the industrial scene, and yadda yadda yadda. Everyone knows the story. To be fair to myself, though, I think my little card-carrying Satanist Hitler was on a journey of self-discovery, and I was the catalyst. I kept asking him, "What are you thinking?" and I guess he finally figured that out.
His LJ is now covered in neo-swastikas. It's full of grand and dire pronouncements on How The World Should Be, My Bretheren. There are photos of Nazis, of violence, of hate. This is someone I absolutely can't fathom.
In a way, then, I'm kind of glad I looked. That half-assed wondering if perhaps I could have been...well, not wrong, I knew it was too late for that, but perhaps not as right as I feared-- that's gone. I was right. All my friends were right. My sister's neighbours were right. And I was right to pick that fight, though I wish I'd done it far sooner. But I feel very little, now. I can't entirely say I don't care any more, but I'm fairly close. It's a bit like looking at something that happened to someone else. Better, though, is that I'm over that wash of shame, and that feeling that I betrayed my own people. Whatever. It's over. All it is now is a learning experience, and the trump card in the "You Think YOU Had A Bad Boyfriend?" game.
There are other things unrelated to his surreal racism that will take longer to scar over, if they do at all. But that's another story.
Waking up this morning, though, I felt slightly better than I have in a while-- I got, oh, an extra half-hour of sleep. I'd meant to have a good deal more, but![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
emalia called, and we chatted for a while about nonsense, and the not-nonsense of what Wilma did to her home. I was just so glad to hear from her-- I was fair worried about her. She's fine. Cats are fine. Birds are fine. Steven's fine. Her porch, well...that's another matter. But it seems to all be repairable, and no one's hurt. That's what's important.
In a slightly more chipper mood, then, I got ready for work. Running late, I met my neighbour coming in as I was going out with Clue in the misting rain.
"You're not just coming in?" I asked, seeing his grocery bags.
"I've been at the hospital all night," he replied.
Now, I was told some time ago that his wife is very ill-- she's needed a heart and lung transplant for months. Stupidly, however, I said, "Oh, no! What's happened?"
"My wife's been in the hospital since February," he said.
"I'm sorry-- I did know that."
"And this week...." I held my breath as he paused, hoping. "I think she might die."
I stood in the rain with Clue and turned my survivor's guilt over in my mind while the delivery vans and Toyotas and eighteen-wheelers sprayed past. I had a very quiet drive to work. I saw Rosa Parks has died. I have mountains of work to do here, and little desire to do them.
Still. It's not so bad, is it?
Thumbing through old journal entries is quite a trip. There's usually a lot of "What was I thinking?", and a healthy dose of, "Oo, I'd forgotten that!" Which can be good an bad, I suppose. There was also a link to my ex-boyfriend's LiveJournal, something I've studiously avoided for almost exactly a year. I looked at it for a minute, and I thought, half-subconsciously, well, I'm at work, and I won't be bringing those vibes into my home. So I clicked it.
Now, I have to say that when I was with him, he vigorously denied any anti-Semitic leanings. "I'm with you," he would say. "How can you think that? Of course not!" And I ascribed the jackboots to the industrial scene, and yadda yadda yadda. Everyone knows the story. To be fair to myself, though, I think my little card-carrying Satanist Hitler was on a journey of self-discovery, and I was the catalyst. I kept asking him, "What are you thinking?" and I guess he finally figured that out.
His LJ is now covered in neo-swastikas. It's full of grand and dire pronouncements on How The World Should Be, My Bretheren. There are photos of Nazis, of violence, of hate. This is someone I absolutely can't fathom.
In a way, then, I'm kind of glad I looked. That half-assed wondering if perhaps I could have been...well, not wrong, I knew it was too late for that, but perhaps not as right as I feared-- that's gone. I was right. All my friends were right. My sister's neighbours were right. And I was right to pick that fight, though I wish I'd done it far sooner. But I feel very little, now. I can't entirely say I don't care any more, but I'm fairly close. It's a bit like looking at something that happened to someone else. Better, though, is that I'm over that wash of shame, and that feeling that I betrayed my own people. Whatever. It's over. All it is now is a learning experience, and the trump card in the "You Think YOU Had A Bad Boyfriend?" game.
There are other things unrelated to his surreal racism that will take longer to scar over, if they do at all. But that's another story.
Waking up this morning, though, I felt slightly better than I have in a while-- I got, oh, an extra half-hour of sleep. I'd meant to have a good deal more, but
emalia called, and we chatted for a while about nonsense, and the not-nonsense of what Wilma did to her home. I was just so glad to hear from her-- I was fair worried about her. She's fine. Cats are fine. Birds are fine. Steven's fine. Her porch, well...that's another matter. But it seems to all be repairable, and no one's hurt. That's what's important.In a slightly more chipper mood, then, I got ready for work. Running late, I met my neighbour coming in as I was going out with Clue in the misting rain.
"You're not just coming in?" I asked, seeing his grocery bags.
"I've been at the hospital all night," he replied.
Now, I was told some time ago that his wife is very ill-- she's needed a heart and lung transplant for months. Stupidly, however, I said, "Oh, no! What's happened?"
"My wife's been in the hospital since February," he said.
"I'm sorry-- I did know that."
"And this week...." I held my breath as he paused, hoping. "I think she might die."
I stood in the rain with Clue and turned my survivor's guilt over in my mind while the delivery vans and Toyotas and eighteen-wheelers sprayed past. I had a very quiet drive to work. I saw Rosa Parks has died. I have mountains of work to do here, and little desire to do them.
Still. It's not so bad, is it?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 04:36 pm (UTC)does he say the world should have no dwarves?
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Date: 2005-10-25 06:15 pm (UTC)I keep remembering him in your house, and the sweet things he said.
Sigh.
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Date: 2005-10-25 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 06:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 05:56 pm (UTC)You're having A Day. I'm sorry.
LOVE ya!
no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 06:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 06:21 pm (UTC)I'll be better then.
And A Day doesn't have to be BAD to be A Day. :)
It's just one that has an impact or sorts. Of course, I'm very amused right now. There's a hungry lizard on my porch railing that keeps chasing bugs around and missing the catch.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 06:08 pm (UTC)I came across the journal of which you speak recently, by clicking on links on friends friends. I have to say, what bothers me almost as much as all the swastikas and Nazi stuff, is how many people I know in RL who have it friended. *cringes*
I hope your day gets better, sweetie.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 06:14 pm (UTC)The thing I'm saddest about is that I let that hate and ignorance into my life so completely that I'll never get away from it. You can't ever again pretend that such things don't exist when they've been in your bed.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 12:06 am (UTC)*still shuddering*
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Date: 2005-10-26 12:18 am (UTC)Scary, innit? It's everything I'd hoped I was wrong about. I wonder if his parents know? I wonder if they'd approve?
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Date: 2005-10-26 01:20 am (UTC)and how the heck have you been? yes, I do read your LJ, but it's been ages since we've talked. still kicking myself for not being able to visit you at Faire too.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 02:40 am (UTC)And yeah, yeah, EVERYONE knew. Truth to tell, I did, too, I guess. Oh, well. HIs folks certainly SEEMED nice when I talked to them on the phone. But I never got to meet them, so.... Military family. Who knows?
You have one weekend left, you know. It's going to be a blast. But I'm ready for it to be over. I'm ready to have my weekends back! How's you?
no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 03:05 am (UTC)meh, we all make bad dating choices at some point or other. military family, somehow that doesn't surprise me to hear that.
this weekend is so booked it ain't even funny. hell, *I'll* be happy to have a free weekend after this one!
no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 01:12 pm (UTC)T is ok which is good, I was worried for a bit when she didnt post or email but i than realized that electricity and computer time are probably at a premium down in Florida right now.
And Nikki
something I try to learn every day of my life. Its never as bad as we make it, its never as horrible as we see it. And its always doable, nothing is really impossible given time and unlimited supply of animal crackers.
P.S. IM cheating on my girlfriend with her dog Linus......Is it ok to love a dog more than a person. HES SO CUTE!