You Don't Really Know Til You Try.

Stage 1 - Noirmoutier-en-l’Île to Fontenay-le-Comte, 201km

2018-07-07T17:58:55Z

Colombia’s Fernando Gaviria crosses the finish line. Photograph: Peter Dejong/AP

Stage 1 - Noirmoutier-en-l’Île to Fontenay-le-Comte, 201km

Okay, yes, I turned on the opening stage a little late. I’ll have to catch the replay of the Grand Depart later. BUT HOLY JESUS!

We are…I don’t even know. The day has gone pretty much like any normal comparatively flat stage, with a breakaway of three riders, Kevin Ledanois, Jerome Cousin and Yoann Offredo, out in front from the go. (Ledanois dropped back 22km from the end of the stage, and Cousin and Offered were caught not much later.)

But now? A few miles from the end, and it’s fucking CHAOS. It was supposed to be an innocuous first day, and there are just crashes now everywhere, the peloton is split, Nairo Quintana has just had TWO flats and the Mavic car is desperately trying to fix him, and Chris fucking Froome went ass over teakettle off the side of the road into the grass. The final 10K is where the road narrows, and it’s taking a toll.

Hi. How’s your day?

We’re inside 1km, and the setup for the final sprint is totally shaken up. Where’s Cav? There’s Sagan, so my money’s on him, but— well, no! At the last second, and with a perfect lead-out, Fernando Gaviria, a 23 year old Colombian from Quick Step takes the stage, with Sagan right off his back wheel!

Froome has lost 61 seconds already— not much to worry about at this point, but wow. Not how anyone saw this going. Okay, Bob Roll saw Gaviria winning, but that’s Bob Roll. He’s not mortal. Peter Sagan has second, Marcel Kittel third.

Aw, man. There are podium girls. Why are there podium girls? Didn’t we all have this conversation? But Gaviria isn’t paying attention to that: he’s in his first-ever Tour, and he’s getting his first-ever Maillot Jaune— the second-ever for a Colombian.

So. 176 riders took off this morning (teams have eight riders now, instead of nine). The one doubtful for tomorrow is Lawson Craddock, who had a crash which opened a cut on his left eyebrow that sent a red fountain all the way down to his jaw— not surprising for a head wound in someone whose heart is pumping as hard as his is. He did cross the finish line, but was riding favoring one shoulder. I hope he makes it, poor soul.

I’ll watch the whole thing this evening, of course, but maaaaan. What a hectic finish to an incredible start.

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Stage 13

2017-07-15T16:58:42Z

We're having some technical issues, so I'm afraid this isn't proofed. Won't THAT be fun?

Okay.

Fine.

I’ll watch again.

We’re up in the mountains now, and it’s so brutal— as mountain stages almost always are— there IS no peloton. It'a just clumps of riders scattered on the slopes. Alberto Contador and Mikel Landa are out ahead of everyone, with Contador showing that elegant, dancing climbing style as he takes more King of the Mountains points. There are two chases of three riders each before we get to the 20-man Yellow Jersey group. The jersey itself is on the back of Fabian Aru. Froome is a mere six seconds behind him, but Sky teammate Landa is moving himself up to third, now as we speak. Go, Sky, go!

The crowds are quite boisterous on the roadside of the ascents, here, but I’m seeing very few crazies, happily. Everyone is screaming and waving hysterically, but staying back. STAYING BACK. It almost brings a tear to my eye. And I’m seeing, oh, one Gendarme on the whole mountain? So I don’t know. Maybe people have learnt after last year’s disaster— remember Froome literally *running* up the mountain through the crowds? Nah. People don’t learn. I’m sure it’ll get worse later.

I hate watching descents. I mean, I’d LOVE watching them if they weren’t so damned dangerous. They’re so aerodynamic and sleek and insanely fast. Just effortless. Except you know “effortless” is far, far from the truth. It’s insanely difficult and technical.

Ah, race officials have pulled the caravan cars from the gap between the leaders and chase one. Yup. Only seven-seconds— that won’t last. Oh— now down to five. So that’ll be a five-man group in a short bit.

G-d, this landscape is just gorgeous. I mean, hell, the hairpins are terrifying, but you know, if you’re not thinking about their potential for blood and death, they’re really quite pretty. And oooh, what a lovely little church up there!

Mur de Peguere is our final obstacle to the finish line today. A Cat 1 climb. 7.9% average grade, but oh dang— it goes up in some spots to a 18% grade. That’s sadistic.

Quintana, Barguil, and Kwiatkowski are that second group— and Landa and Contador are not pleased. They’re pushing hard, trying to stay away. I’m surprised— they’ve clawed back to 33 seconds.

Oo— sad news: Jacob Fuglsang has abandoned. He seems to have had a crash in these days I’ve been away. Dammit. Heal fast, brother.

There’s…there’s a guy dressed as a bishop, running up the road beside the— okay, no, now a guy in a bright yellow wig and a skirt, holding out a bottle of water, which the riders don’t, of course, take. A violinist and cellist on the top of a caravan, both of them dressed in cycling kit. Stay batshit, cycling fans. Stay batshit.

Speaking of which, we’re getting to the steeper part of the climb, and just before we get there, the fans are abruptly restricted— and yeah, they’re saying it’s because of Mont Ventoux last year. Thank G-d, cos right before that cutoff, the crowd is pressing in, with a total UN of flags being furiously waved.

Ooo— Kwiatkowski has cracked from the first chase. Ouch. And Jesus Christ on Toast— the road is literally one car width— thank G-d the riders are already in more or less a single file. I would die trying to WALK up this damned thing. There’s a deep, narrow ditch on one side rising to a grass-covered wall, and on the other side, almost straight down, heavy with with trees. I swear to G-d I’m looking for Hobbits with backpacks.

Froome is not having a pleasant ride. He’s dropped back through the large group and— they’ve compared him to a big dog panting in the back window of a car. No, I don’t get it, either. But he seems to have caught his breath, and he’s back to fifth or so, solidly in the middle of the pack, now down to eight from twenty. George Bennet, however, looks like he’s about to explode his knees right out of his body. Yeah…seven.

Oooo! Barguil and Quintana have Landa and Contador in their sights!

OH! Man, it’s Bastille Day!

Are you kidding me? Froome is attacking! From fifth to WHAM out front. They’ve picked up his teammate Kwiatkowski, and they’re wrecking the group. Damn!

Up ahead, Barguil has attacked to be first over the summit and grab the 10 KotM points!

So now there are four leaders, and Froome’s attack has whittled the first chase to six. Romain Bardet is attacking now, cos he’s French and it’s Bastille Day, and he wants a French win. Wait, now there are seven. Who moved? Froome is biding his time at the back— 25km to go, yet! Wait— eight? ARE THEY REPRODUCING, HERE?!

Holy carp— this is a very short stage— only 2.5 hours— but with huge climbs and fast descents, everyone is going nuts, there’s yet another attack, with Aru riding VERY aggressively. He’s established a break— so now there’s a chase of three and a chase of five. I hate math at this hour! (Lie: I always hate math.)

Bardet has moved up to third overall in this race. Man, things change so fast in the mountains.

Getting into the more populous areas now, and the flats. Dan Martin has attacked off the group of eight! OH! I didn’t know he was Stephen Roche’s nephew. Famous British rider!

For the love of G-d, Simon Yates has now attacked in the narrow streets of town. He won’t get far away, but…man. Dan Martin is still trying to bridge yup ti the first four. Kwiatkowskii s trying to pace Froome up to the front of the group of now-seven. Froome’s the only one in the group with a teammate— that makes a huge difference.

4km to go. One more km and you can crash, guys. Except please don’t.

Man, there are four huge curves before the line. That’s gonna suck.

Simon Yates has gotten far enough to be listed as a chaser now. Oops— no, he’s caught up to Martin!

The four leaders are less than a kilometer from the finish! Barguil wants this for France, and because he thought for all of five seconds he’d won Stage 9 only to have the photos prove him wrong! THEY’RE FIGHTING! Contador battles, pushing him to the outside of the turn, but Barguil is not fazed in the least, coming right back at him and pushing to the front himself, pushing, pushing, looking over his shoulder, pushing— and he’s done it! He’s scored a French win on Bastille Day!

Martin and Yates are coming— Dan Martin wants to get back the minute he lost when he was taken out by Richie Porte’s flying body. Yates crosses first, but they’ve both done so well!

oh my g-d Foix is breathtaking! I wanna go there!

Okay. Quintana takes second for the stage, Contador third.

Interviewing Dan Martin after the line. Jesus Christ. I can’t understand a word he’s saying. I obviously need to spend more time in Ireland. Or, you know, *any* time in Ireland.

So. First Frenchman in twelve years to win on Bastille Day. Hist first Tour stage win. He’s already in the King of the Mountains Jersey. Kid’s having a good day.

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Stage 4: Mondorf-Les-Bains to Vittel, 207.5km

2017-07-04T20:40:17Z

Guiilame van Keirsbulck. There’s a name. This guy took off from the first km, and stayed away for quite a while. 193km he stayed there, but now, ten miles from the end, he sees the peloton right on his back wheel. Aw, man. He shakes his head, makes a throat-cut gesture with a sigh. He did damned well.

Oh, man. There are two 90-degree corners at the end of the damned course today. Right before the finish! They’re inside the 3km safe zone, so yay for that, but that’s not going to help the sprinter’s leadouts. I mean, but definition, this isn’t the best sprinters’ finish, but everyone wants those points, so it’s still going to be crazy.

The peloton is out in the country, still, and organized into team lines, already. There are some tempers, too. Sky is staying to the right, keeping to themselves, keeping Froome safe. He’s tucked into the wheel of still-race-leader Geraint Thomas. He just needs to stay near the top of the standings for now.

Speed is cranked up, tension is cranked up. They’re under the 2km banner and fighting for positions. Cav is in third in his train, perfect. Where’s Greipel? Where’s Kittel? Not a lot of time! Oh, man, thank G-d, they’re through the — NO! NO! HUGE crash! Yellow Jersey is down! OH FUCK!

I can’t see who’s down! Sagan is the— boassenhagen! CAV IS THE— where’ this train? SMASH INTO THE BARRIERS! TWO MEN DOWN! FUCK FUCK! It’s Cav and Sagan! No— Degenkolb! And they’re not getting up!

Arnold Demare, French National Champion, has taken the stage, but the medics have run past up the road to the men still on the ground. Cav slammed so hard and so long into the barriers, and John Degenkolb had nowhere to go but a somersault straight over him with his bike. It looks like Cav was trying to get between Sagan and the barrier and it just— disaster.

Fuck fuck fuck— Cav— oh FUCK. Helped back on his bike, crossing the line with a teammate’s hand on his back, because HE’S HOLDING HIS RIGHT ARM TUCKED TO HIS CHEST.

I am literally screaming. SCREAMING. You KNOW what that means in cycling. You know. It means bad bad bad. Most often a broken collarbone. Most often out of the race. FUCK.

There’s a shot of Cav dismounting at his bus. His jersey is split wide open from shoulder to waist, and road rash on his shoulder. His right hand is already bandaged, and blood is already seeping through. He’s holding his right arm against him, someone takes his bike. Peter Sagan is right fucking there at the door, right there to try and see how he is. There is no usual grin, no bright goofiness from Sagan. He puts his hand on Cav’s shoulder, and Cav, face blank in shock, pats him on the back. No hard feelings. It looks on the replays like Sagan threw an elbow to shove him, but he did not— Cav tried to get through where there wasn’t a space at high speed, and Sagan reacted normally, trying to keep his balance. There are no hard feelings, and no complaints lodged. Cav took a risk, and it didn’t work. And it was a risk at 40mph.

BUT FUCK.

So. Geraint Thomas is zipped into yet another Maillot Jaune. Demare, mage winner, is now points leader, so he gets the Green Jersey. He has 124 points, and Sagan only has 95 at second place, so that’s a pretty good gap. Nate Brown is still in Polka Dots, which is an amazing feat for an American. A good day for it, being the 4th. Taylor Phinney is still in third in those placements, with Peter Sagan in between.

Cav’s Sport Director Roger Hammond is talking to the press. Doctor is looking at him, then he’s getting x-rays. He’s throwing some shade on Sagan, but I get that. He’s probably very emotional. Not to mention Cav is absolutely their shining star.

Fuck. I don’t want to go look at the news, but I’m gonna.

oh my g-d.

I literally have nothing to say about this.

oh my G-d.

http://www.skysports.com/cycling/news/15264/10936943/peter-sagan-disqualified-from-tour-de-france-after-mark-cavendish-crash

I don’t agree. I’m just…okay. Done for today.

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Stage 3: Verviers, Belgium to Longwy, France - 212.5km

2017-07-04T04:26:24Z

Oh my G-d, is that the sun? Seriously? Well, isn’t that nice! We have six riders in today’s breakaway for most of the race. We’ve three riders giving chase— and hey! They’ve actually made the jump! So now there are nine riders out ahead by almost 50 seconds. Strategically, two of these riders now have teammates in this breakaway, which means organisation, which means the breakaway may indeed stay away today. We shall see.

Most fun bit today is the swing the Tour takes through, of all places, the Spa-Francorchamps Formula One racing circuit. I don’t really like that kind of racing, but I have to admit, it is cool as hell to see the peloton snaking around the track. Seriously, awesomely cool. Did I mention it’s cool? Cos it is. And then it’s over. Oh, well.

Back behind, the peloton is waking up. There was a slow, small crash, but it doesn’t look like anyone actually hit the deck, thankfully. Today’s colour comments from Bob Roll were what I was talking about yesterday: sleeping on road rash is hell. You move every eight minutes, he says. Imagine rolling over on open wounds every eight minutes. Ugh. How about not?

Bad news is Taylor Phinney has lost the King of the Mountains Jersey. The good news is it’s been taken by Nate Brown, one of the other three Americans in the race this year. Well, good news for Americans, that is.

There are two chases now: three, then two, following the four in front. We’re seven miles from the French border, and the fields are full of the most insane, huge-scale art. Dozens of people forming enormous, moving bicycles. It’s so cool! Especially with the sun shining and the peloton streaming past in technicolour.

Well, the hindmost chasers are swallowed back into the peloton, leaving seven to keep away: four, then two, with poor Adam Hansen of Lotto Soudal in the middle trying desperately to get up to the leaders all by himself. I don’t think it’s going to happen— there’s no one to help him with aerodynamics. He’s expending all that energy alone, and “Hey, guys! Wait up!” isn’t going to work.

Oh, UGH. Romain Bardet has had a mechanical, and AG2R is desperate to get him back into the race. He’s been booted from a race before for drafting the team car, so he and the two riders assisting him all need to watch what they’re doing. It’s okay if they leapfrog from one car to another while they’re working through the caravan, but to stay behind one car for too long is a serious no. Come on, guys. Move out.

Holy cow. There’s a really nasty finish today. Narrow road, 11% grade climb, and TWO hairpins.

Ouf. On a climb, now, and the leaders’ group has gone boom. Two have dropped back, leaving two to ride on. Watching these poor bastards struggle up an incline after all their hard work just feels sadistic. In fact, the two leaders have separated. Lilian Calmejane is all alone out front, with Pierre-Luc Perichon behind him. Oops— Perichon has been eaten.

15km to go, now, and very long shots down the road show the colourful impressionist shadow of the peloton all across the road behind Calmejane. He’s all alone, which means his chances of staying away are, sadly, nil.

Oh no! A few riders have gone down in a crash. Not many, and everyone’s up again, but it’s a little scary, as ever. Looks like it was just a touch of wheels in the pack, and it actually doesn’t even look like anyone hit the ground too hard, if at all. Which reminds me: earlier today, seems yesterday’s breakaway rider Thomas Boudat had a fall, and, when last seen, was carrying his right arm at that distinct angle that says “I didn’t need that collarbone, anyway.” I hope I’m wrong,

Ohhh, the catch. Wow— sorry, Lilian. Everyone’s back together now, and the peloton is converging on and in Longwy. 3km to go. The streets are so narrow! Greg von Avermaet is in the front; so is Michael Matthews. They have a mile left— it’s not time for a leadout yet, but everyone seems to be scrambling nonetheless! Peter Sagan is boxed in— will he be able to get through? A moment of levity: Marcel Kittel waves to the cameras as they start up the 11% climb to the finish— he knows he’s not a climber, and he’s not even going to try. Y’all have fun.

The Flamme Rouge! 1km left! OH! Richie Porte is in the front! Contador is right behind him! Geraint Thomas is back there— Porte is multiple lengths in front— but Sagan is coming! Sagan is in front— Geraint Thomas is up there too, Dan Martin— Sagan isn’t having it! OMG, Sagan’s foot has come unclipped from his pedal! He doesn’t panic, clips back in, keeps going! Michael Matthews challenges on the left, but nope! Sagan throws his bike, and then sits up, arm raised in confident victory. He’s got it, and he knows it.

It wasn’t the most tortuous or brain-exploding stage, today, but it was good riding, and, finally, good weather. I can deal with that.

Your treat for the day? A little bit of fun from today’s stage winner. No, I have NO IDEA why. Just enjoy it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcyElUBIW8Q

Bora-Hansgrohe’s Peter Sagan celebrates his victory. Photograph: Bryn Lennon/Getty Images

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Stage 2, Dusseldorf, Germany to Liege, Belgium - 203.5km

2017-07-03T08:51:26Z

Stage 2, Dusseldorf, Germany to Liege, Belgium - 203.5km

Wet. Ugh. Wet and slippery and not at all in the good way. But that doesn’t stop Le Tour, so away we go.

Four riders off the front from the very start in Dusseldorf. Three of them, Thomas Boudat, Yoann Offredo, and Laurent Pichon, are Frenchmen. Every time I see that last name, I keep thinking it’s Laurent Fignon, whose 1989 nail-biter on the Champs Elysees against Greg LeMond is what cemented my obsession with the Tour in the first place. My brain is confused. Anyway. The fourth is Taylor Phinney, an American, and second-generation cycling star. His mother, Connie Carpenter-Phinney, is not only a former champion cyclist herself, but also a champion speed skater. His father is the famous cyclist Davis Phinney, second-ever American to win a stage of the Tour (1986) and, Wikipedia tells me, “is the leader in race victories by an American, with 328.” Now he’s leading a foundation to fight Parkinson’s, which hit him when he was 40. Keep kicking ass, Davis!

Trivia for the evening: Boudat is from the Bordeaux region, and is, in his spare time, a winemaker. Huh. Now you know.

Through the feed zone we go, thankfully with no crashes. But yesterday’s crashes are still a topic of discussion. Luke Durbridge’s crash on a tight corner yesterday is shown and holy carp. He went into the barriers like a #2 pool ball from an angry cue stick. Knocked over a whole row of metal barriers. He started again today, but there was too much ligament damage, and his team, taking the long view for his career, pulled him. It took a full week to lose our first rider last year; this year, on the second day, we’re already down three. Three important team riders, no less. Bob Roll is still raging against the Tour’s organisers, incensed that they didn’t make any kind of provisions for slippery roads. He’s right. What, does it never rain in Germany? Come on, guys. Everyone’s on edge the first week of the Tour, and— except for last year— crashes are usually endemic. You open with a high-stakes time trial and take no precautions on sharp turns? Come on.

Jens Voight made a good point, though: first twenty riders, yeah. Go for it. They’re GC and points riders. The other 178? Caution over speed, guys, cos you're not here to win, you’re here to help others guys win. Dammit. Well. Too late now.

It’s gonna be a sprint finish today, and everyone’s throwing names around for the possible winner. I’m intrigued to find no one’s banking on my obvious choice: Mark Cavendish. Y’all know how much I love that guy. Unfortunately, I see why no one’s mentioning him. Up until just a few weeks ago, no one could possibly have guessed he’d be a contender for even getting to the starting line: he’s been suffering from the disturbingly-named glandular fever for a good part of the year, and everyone’s thinking he’s not going to be at his best this year. But as Jens Voight is saying, it’s entirely possible he’s playing everyone, and he could actually be in great shape. I think he’s sneaky enough. We’ll see. We’re also hearing about Peter Sagan, Andre Greipel, and Marcel Kittel, who are all here, in top form, and ready to get some points.

The peloton is playing with the breakaway. Far enough away that no one’s going to try to jump the gap and make the breakaway stronger. But close enough that when we get to the final miles, the peloton can suck them all back in. 35 miles left to play.

The rain is on and off and on and off, but it hasn’t stopped the crowds. The race is in the town of Aachen (aka Aix la Chapelle) right now, and there are no spaces along the sidelines. I don’t know how deep the crowd is, but it sounds like there are bazillions of people, and all of them are screaming and cheering.

Ahhhhhh. So another name for “glandular fever” is Epstein-Barr. Or mononucleosis. Holy carp. Okay, now, that makes everything much clearer for me. Damn, Cav. I had that in college and it knocked me out for MONTHS. And I was the one who used to dance all night in those days. I was fit! I can’t imagine how much it’d screw me up now. Must have been pretty dreadful for him to go from the Manx Missile to the Manx Mat. And now he’s riding the Tour? Guy terrifies me. Pre-race interview this morning, he’s still being cagey. When asked what he learned about his current state of readiness yesterday, he shrugs. “Nothing. It was a time trial; I just wanted to get through unscathed.” And when asked about his chances for more stage wins this yeah, he merely says, “I have a better chance of winning here than I do staying at home.”

He used to be so brash and cocky; someone’s learnt to play the game over these long years.

Well, breakaway’s down to 40 seconds, now. Taylor Phinney’s pushing the pace, but the peloton is approaching. Still, he’s got the polka-dotted King of the Mountains jersey at the moment, and he’ll probably keep it.

OH NO!

Man, I knew this was coming (THANKS TWITTER), but oh NO! 30 km from the finish! Wet roads and a big roundabout and most of the front of the peloton has gone down! Most of Sky is there, and they don’t panic as they form up around Chris Froome to pace him back in. Race radio is saying Romain Bardet of AG2R is down badly. It’s hard to see, but it looks from the replays like the third or fourth rider in the front of the peloton— usually a fairly safe position— just slid out sideways, and because of the curves coming out of the roundabout, absolutely no one could avoid him, especially considering they were picking up the pace to catch the breakaway. Thankfully, it was possible for the back of the peloton to see what had happened and stop, and not add to the carnage, but this is still bad. However, it’s likely those getting up and moving back out won’t push the pace until they know everyone’s moving again— one of cycling’s fair play rules: don’t attack when the race leaders have had a fall.

Bardet is back up, Froome is back up. Their teams are around them, and giving chase. It does look like the peloton is pushing, but not in the extreme: the chasers are hooked back on at the back, and working their way forward again.

Best news of all: race radio is saying *everyone* is back up and chasing again. No serious injuries. Whew!

Dammit. Froome is at the back, signaling to the referees he needs his team car. He’s on a spare bike, his own having gone flying in the crash, and there must be something wrong with it.

The Sky team car catches up. Froome comes to the side of the road smoothly, drops the spare as a mechanic leaps from the car with a new bike, probably one specifically set for him. Mechanic gives Froome a running push, and Sky rider Kwiatkowski is right there to pace Froome back up. There’s a third Sky rider also helping, but I can’t see who. Christian Knees? They’re leapfrogging through the caravan, sort-of-but-not-really drafting the cars, which is illegal, but in the circumstances, race officials don’t look so closely. There’s a fourth Sky rider, too, and they’re all back in the group, now.

At the front, another point for KotM is upcoming, and Phinney has launched himself. He gets that one remaining point for the stage, and then just keeps going: breaking away from the breakaway!

Yoann Offredo manages to join him after a moment, but Boudat and Pichon do not. So now there’s the leading group, the chase, and the peloton. Oh, no— those latter two are gobbled up. So it’s now just two— and they’re faster than the peloton! Fifty seconds!

Well, if nothing else, the sky has cleared and the road is dry. That’s good for the peloton, maybe not so much for the breakaway. Roads are broad now and with few turns. The closer they get to the end, the clearer a view the peloton will have of the men they’re chasing. Will they catch them? Well, this has been touted as a sprint finish, and there are some very, very big names looking for a stage win. They can’t get that win if Offredo and Phinney get there first. The tension is mounting.

5.5km to go. They’re showing Phinney’s crash in 2014. Man, I’d had no idea. He almost lost a leg, and the scars are INSANE. He was told he’d never walk again. Okay, well. So much for that.

4km to go! Oh, Jesus. If I don’t keep my nails on the keyboard, I’m gonna bite them off. They’ve been ahead now for over four hours— will they last another few minutes?

The peloton is merciless and relentless. In a few minutes, the road will straighten out and the peloton will see them. Thirteen seconds ahead, now! We’re well inside the safe zone— anyone crashes now, they’ll get the same time as the peloton. Pressure is off for everyone but the sprinters and their leadout trains— and Offredo and Phinney.

Oh, this is heart-wrenching— long shots show the peloton looming, looming, gaining— OH NO! Dammit. DAMMIT. There’s the catch. It’s over. But it’s the frenzy of the sprinters’ setups that’s started, and the teams are angling their sprinters to the front! Every team is trying to get their man a clear shot! It’s speed and chaos— Kittel, Sagan, Greipel, yes! Cav! — WHO IS IT— AH! It’s Marcel Kittel!

4.37.06. Jesus, that’s a long ride.

Cameras on Kittel, sitting on the curb, face in hands, sobbing, tour handlers standing defensively around him with their legs braced and their arms spread out to keep the press back. Kittel eventually gets up, still crying, and there are hugs and cheers and back-slaps from his teammates— one of whom, Fabio Sabatini, sat up several lengths back as Kittel crossed the line and raised his own arms to cheer his teammate’s victory. Four and a half hours of agony, and now everyone is relaxing and chatting, milling around. There are no huge changes on the GC— Geraint Thomas is zipped into another Maillot Jaune. Kittel comes back to get the Green Jersey in addition to his Yellow. Taylor Phinney, who led for 99% of the stage before losing right at the end, at least gets his moment on the podium, receiving the polka-dot King of the Mountains Jersey. BMC’s Stefan Kung gets the White of Best Young Rider.

So, as I often find myself saying, today could have been much worse. That crash could have been absolute carnage, instead of which it only LOOKED that way. Everyone got up, everyone kept going. Of course, it’s tonight when all the muscles start stiffening up, and the abrasions make it hard to get a good night’s sleep. All the guys have top medics and masseurs to take care of them tonight, and they’re used to this.

So it’s going to be important to watch Taylor Phinney this year. In his first-ever Tour de France, he led the race from the gun to the ramp up for the sprint. He may have to lay low a day or two to restock, but we’re gonna watch what happens next. I’m really thinking that by the end of this race, I’m not going to be accidentally calling Taylor by his dad’s name any more. I don’t think anyone will be.

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I'm back, bitches!

2017-07-02T03:52:22Z

Which is a most un-nice thing to say, and of course I apologise. Of course. Enormously. Let's move on.

The Tour de France 2017 started today. First stage: a time trial nine miles through Dusseldorf, Germany. There is very little to report on its a time trial, I'm afraid, so let's cut to the chase: EXTREMELY wet roads + tight corners - padding on metal barriers = several riders crashing out on the veery first day, amongst them Alejandro Valverde, who was to have been Nairo Quintana's chief domestique. It's a horrible loss for the team. Worse, of course, is the list of injuries for poor Alejandro: broken patella, broken ankle, and a deep laceration on his shin. He left the course in an ambulance, straight to surgery. First word is he's not just out for the Tour, he's out for the rest of the season. Poor guy.

Geraint Thomas has become the first Welshman ever to pull on the Maillot Jaune-- well done to him! Chris Froome came in sixth, making a very, very clear statement that he's not to be trifled with this year. Like he ever is, of course.

But on to hopefully drier roads through Germany tomorrow!

www.washingtonpost.com/news/early-lead/wp/2017/07/01/tour-de-france-favorite-suffers-multiple-broken-bones-in-horrible-stage-1-crash/

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Wow.

2012-12-18T08:21:05Z

Is this thing still even on? Is anyone still there?

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