Wait...what?
Oct. 8th, 2010 12:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelleLiveJournal? People still use LiveJournal?
So I'm not dead. I promise. There's a lot going on in my head-- well, when isn't there?-- and some of it I feel like I can't put down on...it's isn't paper, but you know what I mean. I can't put it out there like this.
It's odd. As technology gets more and more personal, I feel like there are fewer and fewer places I can just let go all my inner thoughts. I don't like the idea of locked posts, as I feel like, well, if you're going to say something about someone, say it openly or don't say it at all. This, of course, wars with my deep-seated need to work things out through writing, and my need to write for other people. So I have a lot to work through, and nowhere to work it out. Which might be all to the good. I'm not sure.
If I'm getting meta, though, I should point out that it's also occurred to me that perhaps it's not a bad thing to be compelled to hold my tongue once in a while. Telling myself I shouldn't say something, that perhaps I should be circumspect, that possibly I might exercise discretion, is waving a red flag to a bull. I often find that the more I need to keep something to myself, the more I want to fling myself at a good friend's feet and say, "Listen! Help me!"
There's nothing dangerous going on in my life. I'm not about to be evicted, I'm not in crisis. It's not anything like that. Much of the usual self-constructed drama that follows me on a daily basis. Some issues I see now that repeat in my life like a bad theme song. A lot of emotional turmoil that doesn't leave me much space to relax. Much space to breathe, to be honest.
In a way, I see so many things coming back to me. Lately, I've been taking stock of my life, and I realise I'm surrounded by people and events and situations that I haven't had to swim through since college, and my early days on the road. Almost no one around me has a steady job. Almost everyone is making their own way, doing something odd, unique, and often beautiful. I'm in the middle, insecure and uncertain, but at least surviving, somehow. I have options and possibilities, and no clear directive. Direction, possibly. Directive? Not so much.
I'll admit that I'm partly distressed at myself: it's how many years later, and I look at so many things in exactly the same manner. I worry about myself. I worry that I'm making the same mistakes all over again, that I just haven't learned. I worry I'm just too stubborn, too idealistic, too naive, even now, to take a different path. Is it stupid or brave to think, "I know what I want, and I've lived long enough to know how to get it"? What if I don't?
A lot of this is inside my head, of course, but a lot of it is also work-based. I've made the decision to make some changes in my business, and just work harder. I'll never abandon the work I already do and love, but I just don't think it's enough any more. I went down to MDRF with some friends last weekend, and I can't describe the joy I felt unexpectedly coming across my work not once, but several times. People know me. Someone said I'm the Prada of corsets. How incredible was that to hear? How lucky am I? It was a lovely trip. There was no drama, there was no-- okay, only a little-- angst. The site was beautiful, and I was reminded again why I do what I do. I was reminded, also, that my business is my baby, and I have to protect it, nurture it, and give it the opportunity to grow. (I was also reminded that I detest bugs, but that's another story.)
So perhaps I've been on a long journey in a very big circle. Perhaps I'm coming back to the beginning again. Perhaps this time, I have a whole new set of tools. We'll see.
So I'm not dead. I promise. There's a lot going on in my head-- well, when isn't there?-- and some of it I feel like I can't put down on...it's isn't paper, but you know what I mean. I can't put it out there like this.
It's odd. As technology gets more and more personal, I feel like there are fewer and fewer places I can just let go all my inner thoughts. I don't like the idea of locked posts, as I feel like, well, if you're going to say something about someone, say it openly or don't say it at all. This, of course, wars with my deep-seated need to work things out through writing, and my need to write for other people. So I have a lot to work through, and nowhere to work it out. Which might be all to the good. I'm not sure.
If I'm getting meta, though, I should point out that it's also occurred to me that perhaps it's not a bad thing to be compelled to hold my tongue once in a while. Telling myself I shouldn't say something, that perhaps I should be circumspect, that possibly I might exercise discretion, is waving a red flag to a bull. I often find that the more I need to keep something to myself, the more I want to fling myself at a good friend's feet and say, "Listen! Help me!"
There's nothing dangerous going on in my life. I'm not about to be evicted, I'm not in crisis. It's not anything like that. Much of the usual self-constructed drama that follows me on a daily basis. Some issues I see now that repeat in my life like a bad theme song. A lot of emotional turmoil that doesn't leave me much space to relax. Much space to breathe, to be honest.
In a way, I see so many things coming back to me. Lately, I've been taking stock of my life, and I realise I'm surrounded by people and events and situations that I haven't had to swim through since college, and my early days on the road. Almost no one around me has a steady job. Almost everyone is making their own way, doing something odd, unique, and often beautiful. I'm in the middle, insecure and uncertain, but at least surviving, somehow. I have options and possibilities, and no clear directive. Direction, possibly. Directive? Not so much.
I'll admit that I'm partly distressed at myself: it's how many years later, and I look at so many things in exactly the same manner. I worry about myself. I worry that I'm making the same mistakes all over again, that I just haven't learned. I worry I'm just too stubborn, too idealistic, too naive, even now, to take a different path. Is it stupid or brave to think, "I know what I want, and I've lived long enough to know how to get it"? What if I don't?
A lot of this is inside my head, of course, but a lot of it is also work-based. I've made the decision to make some changes in my business, and just work harder. I'll never abandon the work I already do and love, but I just don't think it's enough any more. I went down to MDRF with some friends last weekend, and I can't describe the joy I felt unexpectedly coming across my work not once, but several times. People know me. Someone said I'm the Prada of corsets. How incredible was that to hear? How lucky am I? It was a lovely trip. There was no drama, there was no-- okay, only a little-- angst. The site was beautiful, and I was reminded again why I do what I do. I was reminded, also, that my business is my baby, and I have to protect it, nurture it, and give it the opportunity to grow. (I was also reminded that I detest bugs, but that's another story.)
So perhaps I've been on a long journey in a very big circle. Perhaps I'm coming back to the beginning again. Perhaps this time, I have a whole new set of tools. We'll see.