I think it's time.

[ysobelle]

I'm heading to the vet tomorrow with Marble. I don't expect to be coming home with her. I will be staggered if I do, but I just think.... She's had a year. A year no one thought she'd have. But I think it's just run out, now.

You'd think, with a year to prepare, I'd be, well, more ready than I am. But I'm not ready. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of holding her little body as she slowly goes still and cold. I'm terrified of the void she'll leave, and the longing for her I can't stop. I'm terrified to think where her little soul goes. If I'll see her again.

I'm terrified for me.

I know this. I know she probably feels it's time. I know she's not happy as she is right now. And I know that there's probably nothing left I can do: she's been through too much, and there's nothing that's going to "fix" her liver. I don't know if more money could give her more time, and I know-- though I can't make myself believe-- that even if I could give her more time, she might not be happy. Just last week she was happy. She was standing up beside me in the kitchen, tapping at the countertop for her tuna. Now I can't get her to come out to eat.

I'm glad that for this one thing, I have someone else to ask, someone else to lean on. Dr. Trotman will give it to me straight, and help me to be able to decide. Everything else I've gone through lately, I've felt so alone. I am with this, too, but at least it feels a little less so. Or perhaps I'm just so cloudy and angry I can't tell. At the same time, Mom is coming with me, so I won't be physically alone. Still.

I don't want platitudes. I don't want to hear about the damned rainbow bridge. I don't want to hear "these things happen." I don't know what I want.



And just as I'm finishing, a relative I didn't know I had contacts me on Facebook, sending me a photo of my great-grandfather's headstone. Family I knew nothing about. Perhaps it's a message, a reminder that, if nothing else, life goes on.

She's only twelve. She should have had more time.

Comments

[dansr.livejournal.com]

No platitudes, Dear One. I just wish that I could be with you tomorrow to be another person you can lean on, no matter what decision is made.

Love you a lot.

[lebongirl.livejournal.com]

*hugs* we had to have our german shepherd put down last month due to a degenerative disease which had gotten really bad. I don't envy your current situation...best wishes. I know you'll do what's best for her.

[bronxelf-ag001.livejournal.com]

I am so, so sorry. I really, really am. I have been pulling for Marble all this time. It's one of the single hardest things in the world to let them go- believe me I know this. But you will know when you're doing the right thing.

[elisabella.livejournal.com]

We went through this with our dog. While we knew for around a year that he was not long for the world, we *were* glad to know, when the time came, that we weren't prolonging his suffering. It's the hardest decision to make, and I want you to know that you will make the right one.

((HUGS)))

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I second this. I'm not sure if a circle of loving arms would help, but..

I love you and Marble, Nik. You gave her a year more time and I've seen the love between you. I'm so glad for that and I'm so..honoured and amazed to have seen it at all.

[hughcasey.livejournal.com]

I do not have words.

*HUG*

[freyas-fire.livejournal.com]

I can relate on a few different levels - we had to put our one cat, Stormy, down, due to advanced renal failure. He lasted over six months longer than he should have, but when I came home that night, and saw the look in his eyes, I knew it was time. He was only 6 - he had a very rough start in his young life. Wayne found him in the alleyway next to our old apartment, skinny and starving to death. He had several urinary tract infections and took a lot of veterinary care to get him healthy, but he never really recovered from his homeless days. We were happy that we were able to give him a few years of comfort and happiness.
Lugh was my familiar, my ray of sunshine (hence the name - Lugh was a light bringer god)), and just everything I could wish for in a cat. We found out when he was around 6 months old that he had FLV, and when they're born with it, the chances of survival are slim to none. He managed to live just past his first birthday. It completely broke my heart. I cried every single day for that cat for well over a year. I look at his pictures and still cry, and he passed in 2005. Helena was kind enough to do a memorial painting for me, which has a place of honor in the bedroom.
During that first year, there were times where I could still feel him jump up on the bed and lay down in his place next to me. Maybe his spirit was hanging around until he knew that I'd be ok. It gets a little easier every day, but it never really goes away, and there are still days where I look at his picture and just lose it. They are always a part of you, and people that say it's "just a cat" can go fuck themselves with a rusty pipe. They don't get it until they've lost a beloved pet themselves.
I made a special box that I keep the boxes of ashes in. If you go that route and would like one, let me know. It's been a while since I picked up a paint brush, but I'm sure I can come up with something nice.
I'm glad your mom is going with you. It's a tough thing to face alone. I had to do that with Stormy because Wayne was at work.
You gave her a good, happy 12 years. If it's her time to go, she will tell you. Sometimes I think they hold on just for our sake. If you can do it, let her know that it's ok if she needs to go. It's the hardest thing in the world to do, but it will give her peace.
::hugs::

[curiouschilde.livejournal.com]

I understand. *HUGS*

[trillsie.livejournal.com]

Know you and Marble are in my thoughts today.

*HUGS*

[racerxgirl.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry hon... :(

[wednesday42.livejournal.com]

Sending you much love. ♥

[blkstarsapphire.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I don't know if this counts as a platitude but I'm going to say it anyway:
I believe that you will see Marble again... IMHO all souls have the capacity to return to mortal form and tend to seek out those they knew in the previous life...

I hope this helps in some way... Wish I could be there for you...

*hugs*

[tempest-gypsy.livejournal.com]

She's only eleven. She should have had more time.

She had you.

And you may not be sure where he soul goes, but I am. I'll know you'll meet her again, for you.

*big hugs*

[relisabeth.livejournal.com]

Ugh. *hugs*

[ravenskye8.livejournal.com]

*hugs*