Waiting.

[ysobelle]

I feel, now that it's all over, that I should say something about what happened with C in the end. He'd been terribly ill, which is why I didn't hear from him. He gets a pass. Very much so. But we finally spoke-- at length-- and he was very honest with me. He just doesn't have the bandwidth, as he expressively put it, for any sort of relationship right now. And when I pressed him, as I really felt I had to, he admitted he just didn't feel it. He was very honourable about it, and we're still on good terms. believe-- I hope-- we're still going to be friends.

I don't blame him, I'm not mad at him, I'm not hurling darts at his photo. I'm not entirely sure what I wanted out of all of this, but I think what made me so sad was simply the loss of potential. We were not "boyfriend/girlfriend." We were not in love. But I had hopes that perhaps we might mutually discover something, build something. Try something.

This isn't the sort of thing one person can pull alone. No relationship of any kind is, of course, but in this hazy, tentative, preliminary stage, if both parties aren't interested in seeing how deep the rabbit hole goes, then said burrow goes nowhere. There's no point in digging alone.

I'm far more sanguine about this now than I was last week, when I could feel an undercurrent of frustration and anger under my surface all week. I knew then, as I do now, that there'd been no kind of promise or expectation stated. But I'd felt like perhaps, at last, after so long, I was finally getting somewhere. And then I got shunted back to square one. It's not a pleasant feeling. Not at all.

In the store today there was a customer: a very handsome man looking for earrings for his daughter, and perhaps some fossils for his sons. We started talking: about his kids, about his son's acting job, about my night with Hamlet, about Shakespeare in America, about all sorts of things. He wore no ring, and mentioned no girlfriend, and part of me wanted to find a pretext to give him my card, but I didn't. I simply enjoyed the process of very slightly flirting-- though I'm not sure he was flirting back, and I'm fine with that. I just enjoyed talking to him-- Jeff, his name was-- until it was time for his flight.

To Chicago.

Comments

[crystalsage.livejournal.com]

That must be the best (and worst) part of the job you have. You come in contact with so many people, yet most of them are fleeting passersby, on their way to another destination. Hard to find a solid connect, I guess, but on the other hand, connecting with such a wide global sampling of people.

Don't mind me, I'm rambling this morning;; dunno if what I said just maade sense or not.

I'm sorry for the loss of the relationship darling. But at least now, you have closure, and you can to move on. ;) *hug*