Still processing.
Dec. 17th, 2008 10:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelleThere's still a lot of fear in my heart. I find that kind of sad, but there it sits, kicking my insides with little steel-toed boots.
This isn't to say I don't want this nascent relationship to progress. C is a very impressive and fascinating person, and I'm really enjoying getting to know him better. I'm also rather attracted to him, which helps greatly. He's funny, and cute, and smart, and ambitious, and artistic. And honest and upright and I know I can trust him. He likes Doctor Who and Macs, so honestly, what's not to love? We can talk about music and pop culture and a thousand other things and he remembers things I've said. He actually listens.
But I can feel inside me that I'm holding back, and while part of that is a perfectly understandable reserve towards someone I've hung out with exactly twice, and never alone, I'm worried that a greater part of it is all my ingrained utter terror of putting myself in a position where I give up autonomy, where I give someone else the power to hurt me. I fall so easily, and am as easily hurt. I can be such an idiot so easily. I have terrible luck in these things.
Last night, for example, he mentioned that he's probably not good relationship material right now. Perfectly reasonable thing to say, of course, but I crashed: I felt myself blush in something akin to shame, as if I'd been chided. I felt this awful, physical pain in my chest. It was just like being yelled at as I were a very bad child. Not to say that I'm not very bad, of course, but that's neither here nor there at the moment. (Actually, that was part of the conversation, but I shall keep that to myself for the moment.)
And another big part of it? Control. I get very, very nervous and stressed when I'm in a situation that I cannot control. Hm.
This is all very silly. It will either resolve itself, or not. Thinking doesn't help. Advice doesn't help. Really, all I can do is clean my apartment, work, and remember my new mantra/motto:
Que sera, sera.
This isn't to say I don't want this nascent relationship to progress. C is a very impressive and fascinating person, and I'm really enjoying getting to know him better. I'm also rather attracted to him, which helps greatly. He's funny, and cute, and smart, and ambitious, and artistic. And honest and upright and I know I can trust him. He likes Doctor Who and Macs, so honestly, what's not to love? We can talk about music and pop culture and a thousand other things and he remembers things I've said. He actually listens.
But I can feel inside me that I'm holding back, and while part of that is a perfectly understandable reserve towards someone I've hung out with exactly twice, and never alone, I'm worried that a greater part of it is all my ingrained utter terror of putting myself in a position where I give up autonomy, where I give someone else the power to hurt me. I fall so easily, and am as easily hurt. I can be such an idiot so easily. I have terrible luck in these things.
Last night, for example, he mentioned that he's probably not good relationship material right now. Perfectly reasonable thing to say, of course, but I crashed: I felt myself blush in something akin to shame, as if I'd been chided. I felt this awful, physical pain in my chest. It was just like being yelled at as I were a very bad child. Not to say that I'm not very bad, of course, but that's neither here nor there at the moment. (Actually, that was part of the conversation, but I shall keep that to myself for the moment.)
And another big part of it? Control. I get very, very nervous and stressed when I'm in a situation that I cannot control. Hm.
This is all very silly. It will either resolve itself, or not. Thinking doesn't help. Advice doesn't help. Really, all I can do is clean my apartment, work, and remember my new mantra/motto:
Que sera, sera.