It's...complicated.

[ysobelle]

I think I had three or four weekends since Friday. I've broken my nails and some promises to myself. I've screamed in my car and smiled at my friends. I'm off the deep end but I'm still swimming. I hurt like I have rocks in my muscles and I'm not so sure I don't have some of them in my brain.

Linford asked, "What's on G-d's iPod?" Hell, I don't even know what's on mine.

Bink and Anita and Dan came up to see my and my faire, and how is it that years can pass, kids can shoot up like rockets, jobs can come and get cut and go, but Ouchy remains? And Karin can sing and strip all the crap and old paint off my soul and make me sit and say, "I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention. I'll start again."

I'm angry with you. No, I'll never forgive some of it. But I still want the best for you. Just...somewhere else. I want the best for me right here.



I won't give up. I will never give up. I am young enough to keep going for a long, long time. I may not know where, precisely, it may be that I'm going, but that smoke might clear as I go. Or not. I'll do whatever it may be that I have to do to survive. I'm not happy that it's nothing but struggle, but it's not like I'm alone in that. The phrase that's been in my head for days now is "Everyone's got their own battle to fight." It's true. The driver in the next car over may not be smart enough to not take it out on me, but it's not actually anything to do with me. People do stupid shit all the time, and sometimes it intersects with my own internal cacophony. It still doesn't mean anything. Sometimes we're all just big barrels full of angry housecats rolling around the universe, knocking into one another. Sometimes it's hard to hear above the din.



Long Lost Brother
(Words and Music: Detweiler)

I thought that we’d be
Further along by now
I can’t remember how
We stumbled to this place

I loved you like a long lost brother
On a bad day maybe I thought why bother
I’ve seldom seen so much anger
In a face

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

I don’t mean to laugh outloud
I’m trying to come clean
Trying to shed my doubt
Maybe I should just keep
My big mouth shut

More often than not
When it comes to you
You want whatever’s not in front of you
Deep down I know this includes me too

So tell me your troubles
Let your pain rain down
I know my job I’ve been around
I invest in the mess
I’m a low cost dumping ground

Trouble is I’m so exhausted
The plot, you see, I think I’ve lost it
I need the grace to find what can’t be found

Karin Bergquist: Vocals
Linford Detweiler: Bass and Piano
Devon Ashley: Drums
Tony Paoletta: Pedal Steel

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*BIG OLE HUGS*

We'll talk.

Yes?