I am unsettled in my mind.
Apr. 13th, 2004 02:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelleI caught a whiff, as I came down the street the other night, of Spring. I’m not sure if it was really there, or a memory knocked loose like olfactory déjà vu by the light and the leaves. I don’t remember how it smelled last year—I was too giddy and distracted. I regret that now. I remember the trees exploding into pink and pale green and white, but I don’t remember how it smelled. I remember constantly saying, "My G-d, isn’t that beautiful?" and stopping dead in the middle of the road—but I can’t remember how it smelled.
There’s a lot going on in my head lately. If my job were a human, it’d be getting a really nasty name for itself. I’m constantly hearing, "We’re gonna do great things for you," and then getting nothing. I did my taxes tonight over at my folks’ house, and my Dad looked at my return and made a somewhat bitter comment about how much I made—or, rather, didn’t make—last year. Thanks, Dad. I hadn’t really been aware of it before. Yeah. I’ve been living with this sense of expectancy for so long, this hope that things will get better. I’m trying. Dear Lord, I’m trying.
But I know, even though I don’t feel like it all the time, that I’m strong. I know far too many people who will create their own drama, and then serve it on a plate to the rest of the world with a "Pity me!" cry. Fuck that. I’m more than happy to commiserate with a friend, to lend a shoulder, or even two shoulders, a leg or two, and a few hands, when needed. But a long time ago, I learned the usefulness of the phrase, "G-d helps those who help themselves." I’ll be there for you if you need me, but if all you want to do is sit in a corner and cry, I’ll have no patience. I try my utmost to excise from my life all whining—mine or anyone else’s.
A month or so ago, I made what in hindsight seems the mistake of telling someone I planned to do something of which she didn’t approve. She lit into me, screaming at me and railing against my obvious stupidity and foolishness. While the whole episode still rankles, one of the many nasty comments she threw at me really sticks out: when I was hurt again—as she swore I inevitably would be—I’d better not DARE come crying and whining to ANY of my friends.
Now, not only does it piss me off that someone would be so presumptuous as to speak for all of my friends—most of whom do a very fine job of speaking for themselves, thank you—but I was incensed at the assumption that I was going to weep and wail and rend my clothes in surprise and dismay. Have my brains somehow run away without my knowledge? Am I suddenly stupid without knowing it? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result—and I’m not insane. What’s more, I know she who leaps into the pool forfeits her right to cry she’s gotten wet.
And there’s a bitter taste in my mouth that I was so, so wrong about someone. It’s nothing to do with me now, but it’s left ashes on my tongue and a bewildering sense of doubt in my own judgement.
Well. At least the tulips are coming outside my building. They’ll be brief, but they’ll be there. I’m looking forward to it.
There’s a lot going on in my head lately. If my job were a human, it’d be getting a really nasty name for itself. I’m constantly hearing, "We’re gonna do great things for you," and then getting nothing. I did my taxes tonight over at my folks’ house, and my Dad looked at my return and made a somewhat bitter comment about how much I made—or, rather, didn’t make—last year. Thanks, Dad. I hadn’t really been aware of it before. Yeah. I’ve been living with this sense of expectancy for so long, this hope that things will get better. I’m trying. Dear Lord, I’m trying.
But I know, even though I don’t feel like it all the time, that I’m strong. I know far too many people who will create their own drama, and then serve it on a plate to the rest of the world with a "Pity me!" cry. Fuck that. I’m more than happy to commiserate with a friend, to lend a shoulder, or even two shoulders, a leg or two, and a few hands, when needed. But a long time ago, I learned the usefulness of the phrase, "G-d helps those who help themselves." I’ll be there for you if you need me, but if all you want to do is sit in a corner and cry, I’ll have no patience. I try my utmost to excise from my life all whining—mine or anyone else’s.
A month or so ago, I made what in hindsight seems the mistake of telling someone I planned to do something of which she didn’t approve. She lit into me, screaming at me and railing against my obvious stupidity and foolishness. While the whole episode still rankles, one of the many nasty comments she threw at me really sticks out: when I was hurt again—as she swore I inevitably would be—I’d better not DARE come crying and whining to ANY of my friends.
Now, not only does it piss me off that someone would be so presumptuous as to speak for all of my friends—most of whom do a very fine job of speaking for themselves, thank you—but I was incensed at the assumption that I was going to weep and wail and rend my clothes in surprise and dismay. Have my brains somehow run away without my knowledge? Am I suddenly stupid without knowing it? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result—and I’m not insane. What’s more, I know she who leaps into the pool forfeits her right to cry she’s gotten wet.
And there’s a bitter taste in my mouth that I was so, so wrong about someone. It’s nothing to do with me now, but it’s left ashes on my tongue and a bewildering sense of doubt in my own judgement.
Well. At least the tulips are coming outside my building. They’ll be brief, but they’ll be there. I’m looking forward to it.
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-13 04:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-13 04:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-13 05:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-13 07:31 am (UTC)And hell, you know I can relate. ;)
It's April, it seems. When's the relevant event?
no subject
Date: 2004-04-13 07:37 am (UTC)No, I haven't spoken to her. It may be a very, very long time before I do. If ever.
And the "event" (snarf!) is...end of this week? Next week? Soonish, I'm led to believe. We'll see.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-13 08:28 am (UTC)But really. I'm a rabid anti-grudge lobbyist.
Event: Teehee... so no wonder you haven't answered me about Sunday! Heh! ;)
Hrm
Date: 2004-04-13 06:03 pm (UTC)I think I told you to tell her to go sod off. Take that nice LONG walk off the short pier. And some other nice little sayings I am sure.
I still say she was rude, stupid and utterly insensitive to you and to anyone else that calls you a friend.
She has a right to her opinion, but has no right in trying to blackmail you into doing something that you don't want to do with emotional threats. That is what I truly think is what happened.
So I say take a good swig of something sweet to replace that sour taste in your mouth. Forget about her. And have a good time.
Grin.
G~
no subject
Date: 2004-04-14 07:30 am (UTC)Jusy my 2 cents. If I'm wwrong, spank me!
*eg*
Date: 2004-04-14 11:51 am (UTC)WeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
no subject
Date: 2004-04-14 09:34 pm (UTC)And honestly, I'm done with it. I spent a lot of time being blamed for someone else's angst, and water under the bridge or not, I'm sad, but relieved I won't have to go through it again day in and day out. Oh, well, but...oh, well.