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When is a not-problem maybe a problem?
Jun. 11th, 2014 04:31 amNo, I don't know, either. It's just something I'm playing with in my head.
When I was in school, a teenager-- before I knew how OMG screwed-up my romantic existence was going to be-- I had a pattern: I would like a guy, he would, once in a great while, like me. I would be fine for a short while, and then decide I didn't like him at ALL, and he needed to GTFO, thankyouverymuch. I usually hid that, and continued on in a welter of screwed-up emotions, until I decided that yes, I DID like him. Just before things went completely south one way or the other, and he ran. Wash, rinse, repeat.
So now, here I am, having gone through all of that yet again. Except for the very last step. Now I find myself in yet further uncharted territory: I like him, he likes me, and no one's going anywhere. As in, we're having conversations about stuff I didn't know I COULD discuss, and I'm already wondering what he'd like for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out what I'm comfortable with saying publicly about him and our private lives, cos I don't think I have to worry about him turning into nothing more than a poignant memory next month. I'm trying to figure out how to introduce him to my aunt, and wondering if I ever want to introduce him to the rest of my family. And weirdest of all: I'm happy. I don't mean to imply I've jettisoned all my issues and monsters, no, but…I'm actually happy.
And I have no idea what to do about it.
I've explored the first few rooms of this house (and amusingly, I haven't actually dreamt about a house in weeks, now), but I've finally gotten through another door, and am finding out all kinds of things. I'm learning how to open up, and I'm learning about managing my emotional landscape in the context of exploring someone else's emotional landscape. And I'm learning that this stuff is really, really hard, and really scary.
He knows about my past experiences, and he is utterly respectful, kind, caring, and considerate. He checks in. He asks if I'm okay. He stops and looks me in the eye. He listens. And that's great, but it means I have to be emotionally honest. I'm doing my utmost best, but sometimes, I don't even know where the closed doors are. I've flat-out told him, "I'm not always going to know when I'm keeping things from you. When I'm afraid of you." But then we talk about that, too. And I go back to both thinking he's amazing and wondering how I'm ever going to figure all of this out.
It's okay, though. Cos we're going to sit down, turn on Cosmos in the background, and talk about it.
When I was in school, a teenager-- before I knew how OMG screwed-up my romantic existence was going to be-- I had a pattern: I would like a guy, he would, once in a great while, like me. I would be fine for a short while, and then decide I didn't like him at ALL, and he needed to GTFO, thankyouverymuch. I usually hid that, and continued on in a welter of screwed-up emotions, until I decided that yes, I DID like him. Just before things went completely south one way or the other, and he ran. Wash, rinse, repeat.
So now, here I am, having gone through all of that yet again. Except for the very last step. Now I find myself in yet further uncharted territory: I like him, he likes me, and no one's going anywhere. As in, we're having conversations about stuff I didn't know I COULD discuss, and I'm already wondering what he'd like for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out what I'm comfortable with saying publicly about him and our private lives, cos I don't think I have to worry about him turning into nothing more than a poignant memory next month. I'm trying to figure out how to introduce him to my aunt, and wondering if I ever want to introduce him to the rest of my family. And weirdest of all: I'm happy. I don't mean to imply I've jettisoned all my issues and monsters, no, but…I'm actually happy.
And I have no idea what to do about it.
I've explored the first few rooms of this house (and amusingly, I haven't actually dreamt about a house in weeks, now), but I've finally gotten through another door, and am finding out all kinds of things. I'm learning how to open up, and I'm learning about managing my emotional landscape in the context of exploring someone else's emotional landscape. And I'm learning that this stuff is really, really hard, and really scary.
He knows about my past experiences, and he is utterly respectful, kind, caring, and considerate. He checks in. He asks if I'm okay. He stops and looks me in the eye. He listens. And that's great, but it means I have to be emotionally honest. I'm doing my utmost best, but sometimes, I don't even know where the closed doors are. I've flat-out told him, "I'm not always going to know when I'm keeping things from you. When I'm afraid of you." But then we talk about that, too. And I go back to both thinking he's amazing and wondering how I'm ever going to figure all of this out.
It's okay, though. Cos we're going to sit down, turn on Cosmos in the background, and talk about it.